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Sunday, May 1, 2016


Saturday, January 19, 2013

I'm a culture guy. Not cultur-al. Surely. A spectator. Watching the Freak Parade go by. Eatin the popcorn. I care--deeply--about the important matters too, I really do. I assume that the Freak Parade is meant to be the distraction that is has become to divert our attention away from said important things. I believe that the people that hired the Grand Marshall are indeed laughing at us as we gaze. And graze.

But you all aren't ready for my theories on most of that. Mel Gibson isn't ready for my theories on most of that.

So here are mine on Lance. Armstrong. You know, the one who rides a bike. Alot.

The man who claims that he looked up the definition of, 'cheat,' and, right next to a photo of himself, he says it said, "To gain an advantage on one's opponent."


Are the kids practicing their baseball skills on a nightly basis in a couple warehouses here in town cheating? Was Tiger Woods cheating all those years as a little kid?

No, Lance, cheating is breaking the rules.

Yes, even when everybody else is... And this just in. Lying is cheating. Unless one is engaged in a lying contest. (How would that work?)

So yes, like more than half of you (I would wager, legally) last night, I hunkered down on our couch with a clicker or two and a drink or two and gathered round in the town square for our most recent public flogging by Her Honorable Flogger, The Oprah, as she packed up her confessional and visited our latest sinner. And at times hid my eyes. And cringed. And didn't change the channel.

Because you can't.

Remember the scene in the (still--hands down) best non-black&white film of all time, Broadcast News, in which Albert Brooks' character walks in to the production room and sees the entire crew huddled around the "News" while the "Newsman" interviews a victim of an alleged date-rape? He wants to ask them what the big deal is, but he is immediately shut down--SSShhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!-- before he can even get out the question. "I thought this was a News program" , he laments. He's a purist. He's me. And then, the zinger:

"I'm sorry, I forgot. This is news now. You really blew the lid off Nookie."

So, we really blew the lid off Meanie this week. Meanwhile there's still an alleged American Citizen being held hostage in Africa and school children are going to unsafe schools every day thinking otherwise.

So I guess I was wrong, Bernice. This column isn't about Lance. Lance is easy. Tough background. Back against the wall. Control freak. (Perfect for the Freak Parade.) Did some good for some cancer survivors? Sure did. Victim? No; but... Pretty much boiler-plate perfectstorm psycho-drama Sheakespearean actor in a world of more "E"-Channels than PBS's. It's Honey BarBQ Booboo's world and she's just letting us live in it. Lance was easy.

Africa is hard. School shootings are hard. Budgets (remember them?) are very hard. Iran is hard. Tax policy is hard. Afghanistan isn't hard. It is, history demands, impossible. Terrorism is hard.

Mante Te'o? Easy. Not hard.

Want hard? Nibiru. Hard. Gilgamesh. Hard. Cunieform. Hard.

Bankhead read Time. Cover to cover. Time was hard.

I'm not writing to attract readers, or impress them. I write to unload an over-stuffed so-called mind. You guys are sweet, truly, to take a minute and note an enjoyable or even provoking column, and even to remind me that I have taken a weekend or two off. Writing fluffy is fun. But let's get serious.

Brian K. Mitchell, an R.Ph., is the owner of Mitchell Pharmacy in Kennett. He can be contacted via e-mail at bmitchellrph@gmail.com, or log on to www.mitchell-pharmacy.com.

Brian Mitchell
This Settles That