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Saturday, May 23, 2015

Silent Day, December 2012

Sunday, December 23, 2012

On this glorious weekend, let us mourn.

And read the names of the targets killed in Newtown, Connecticut a week-plus ago.

If you're lucky to be with loved ones this weekend or this coming holiday week, one imagines that if any national news is discussed, this tragedy will be, so allow me to inject--that's what I do. Inject. Call me Nurse Ratchett Mitchell.

Preparing the area (swab with isopropyl alcohol, so as not to contaminate):

Look, most of you know where this inky servant is going to come down on the issues surrounding the horror show that had been normallynormanrockwellian school days at Sandy Hook Elementary. And I was smartly advised to maybe think twice before opining--esp given the holidays and all. But my side hasn't had a very good month, so with all due respect and knowing full well that we all can get along and love each other, here's why I believe this will happen again.

Because only one side wants it fixed. The other wants agenda.

Just a little prick (as in, here comes the needle):

Item: In Texas, a father, a retired police officer, drove his kid to school, and stayed. In front of the door, armed. Who can blame him?

Who? Among us? Can?

The nationally recognized famous, gulp, basketball coach, Jim Boeheim, unsolicited, wrote the following prescription for Newtown, "If we can't send our children to school safely without arming someone at their school, then that's not very good."

I wonder if Victoria Soto's family and students would agree?

You see, I'm about fixing things. Most men are. Ask most wives. So I'll ask again, Tell me one way--just one--that banning assault rifles (btw, the Bushmaster used in this case wouldn't qualify for more than one reason under the proposed ban, sorry, but a fact) would in any way guarantee to prevent Newtown II, or III, or XXI, by, say end-of-year? Because folks, there is no statute of limitations on these things. II, III, and IV could've happend by the time you read this column. Newtown happened between my deadline last week and publication of this newspaper.

But guess what? Our prescription guarantees, for all practical purposes, that it will never happen again. See how happy? Joyous holiday season, indeed. Let's all celebrate!

Call it the Newtown Sandy Hook bill. Executive order No. 1 of 2013.

"All elementary schools--private and public--shall hereby remove their piddly-assed "Gun-Free Zone" decals from their windows and man up by start of Spring semester 2013. Arm a guard and sit him/her conspicuously at front door and have him/her wandering around as needed. Funding to come from the parents or the N.R.A. or , if that fails, your state government (after all, I'm a Federalist @ heart !), or the N.E.A.

We acknowledge that our former pie-in-the-sky attitude towards evil has failed, and furthermore wish to have guards at other private institutions over which we have no jurisdiction (churches, malls, cinemas, aka target practice ranges), I, President Barack H. Obama, do sign on this day."

I welcome and invite your thoughtful answers to this deeply-felt question. bmitchellrph@gmail.com

Apparently the N.R.A. have just released a statement. I'm not going to read it. You see, another loony element of us crazy righties: We don't have to discuss much. Our core beliefs lead us all mostly to the same places. I'm sure the Exec. Dir. mentioned the fact that we arm banks, sports stadiums, and elected officials and Hollywood revels in death, and the Pope actually called American society, "A culture of death." All these are true. As is the fact that psycological drugs for children are most probably prescribed overly in some cases.

There, there. That didn't hurt too much, did it?

Here's the list of the targets. Please mourn for them in your way. Please imagine there's no more senseless cowards storming into safe places to killwillynilly. And quit agenda-ing. For them.

Charlotte Bacon

Daniel Barden

Rachel Davino

Olivia Engel

Josephine Gay

Ana M. Marquez-Greene

Dylan Hockley

Dawn Hochsprung

Madeline F. Hsu

Catherine Hubbard

Chase Kowalski

Jesse Lewis

James Mattioli

Grace McDonnell

Anne Marie Murphy

Emilie Parker

Jack Pinto

Noah Pozner

Caroline Previdi

Jessica Rekos

Avielle Richman

Lauren Rousseau

Mary Sherlach

Victoria Soto

Ben Wheeler

Allison Wyatt

A truly heartfelt Merry Christmas, friends. From a man truly tired of being portrayed as a representative of crazed, crazy, uncaring. These parents went home last Friday to presents that will never be unwrapped.

Brian K. Mitchell, an R.Ph., is the owner of Mitchell Pharmacy in Kennett. He can be contacted via e-mail at bmitchellrph@gmail.co, or log on to www.mitchell-pharmacy.com.