"Do you have shortness of breath? Loss of ear hair? Painful fingernails? Does your coffee smell like tea? You may be suffering from NOPQ. Ask your doctor about Nopquease, the only FDA-approved antidote for EFGHI, the medicine we were pushing last year.
"Nopquease may cause lower back pain, explosive diarrhea, foot spasms, bleeding eyeballs, agoraphobia, spontaneous conception and abnormal eyebrow growth." There should be a law that the advertiser has to at least tell us what NOPQ stands for at some point in the ad.
If they make drug companies put product warnings at the end of their ads, why don't they make every company put a warning after their ad?
Can you imagine if they did car commercials the way they do drug commercials? "Test-drive the new Executive BS. It makes whatever you're driving now seem like an ox cart. Especially if you're driving last year's Executive. Beat the recall, buy one today! Warning, cars may cause death, injury, increased debt, air pollution, increased insurance premiums, unplanned pregnancy, road rage and burns to the backs of the thighs in sunny weather. Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough to drive a car. If you drive in the right lane with your left turn signal on for more than four hours, you should call your DMV and tell them to come get your license."
"Serve deep-fat fried crispy Toasted Chocolate Cheese Pig Skins at your next party. Even if it's a party of one. Eating Toasted Chocolate Cheese Pig Skins may cause high blood pressure, blotchy skin, obesity, lower back pain, adult onset diabetes, loss of the will to live, clogged arteries, cancer, early death, consumption, dropsy, heartburn, loss of affection and sexual dysfunction. Should you eat four bags at one sitting, notify your doctor."
Really, should you be eating anything that has an expiration date more than a decade away? If nature can't break it down, can your stomach?
"Blue Swill, the one beer to have when you're downing the whole case. May cause inappropriate behavior, unintentional pregnancy, loss of job, loss of family, loss of life, low birth weight, alcoholism, alcohol poisoning, vomiting, disorderly conduct and accidental marriage. If you drink more than four six-packs a day, call your mortician and a divorce lawyer."
"Vote Honnicutt for Congress. This is Erskine Honnicutt and I approve this ad. If Honnicutt is elected to Congress, your district may suffer increased taxes, endure several endless sex scandals on television, loss of pork, a federal trial for nepotism and a deep and abiding sense of shame. Should Honnicutt go to federal prison for four years, don't call me. You voted for him."
Jim Mullen is the author of
"It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
You can reach him at email@example.com