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Monday, May 2, 2016

Tall tales

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Q: Are tall tales going out of style?

A: They may after reading these:

"Two fellows - both of whom had been known to tilt a few - were gigging frogs one night along a shallow water bank.

They were trying to cut back, so all they had brought along was a fifth of Old Crow, and an emergency pint. They had already polished off the fifth, and were nipping on the pint.

Shinning their flashlights along the bank, they spotted something white a few feet away. Getting closer they saw a cotton mouth water moccasin had snared a frog, and was about to swallow it.

Emboldened by strong drink, the more "over-served" of the two plucked the frog away and poured some straight bourbon whiskey down the snake's gaping mouth.

Rowing a few yards away, the men sat there chuckling over the incident.

It was then they saw the snake swimming toward them. It stopped at the boat, and lifted its head, mouth wide open, begging for another drink."

At least that's their version of the story.

"The Scots have long been known for their frugality. It is said that the Scot government never gives anyone a twenty one gun salute. They hold it to twenty, thereby saving a lot of cannon balls.

A Scot and his wife were vacationing on a tropic cruise ship.

One stormy night the wife lost her balance, and fell overboard. They searched long for her body, but it was never found.

The Scot gets off at the next port of call where he checks into a hotel to get a few days rest, and begin living with his grief.

On the second day he receives a telegram from a famous aquarium saying they had found his wife's body, and attached to it was a rare tropical fish they estimated to be worth twenty five thousand dollars. They asked where to send him the money, and what was to be done with the body.

The Scot wired back giving them an address where the money could be sent, and instructed them to Re-set the Bait."

"A salty old Coxswain on a U.S. Navy Cruiser was the first to learn that Seaman Smith's mother had passed away.

The Coxswain flicked on the intercom and boldly announced, "Seaman Smith,

your mother is dead." "Over & Out!!

An enraged Captain was climbing the walls. He chewed the Coxswain out from one end to the other. "Never," he said, "have I heard anything so lacking in human feeling or concern." The Coxswain sulked away, his lesson learned.

A few weeks later the Captain was informed that Seaman Abernathy's mother was no longer among the living.

Always believing in giving a man another chance, the Captain called the Coxswain forward. "I want you to break the news to Abernathy." "This time," he said, use some discretion and compassion.

The Coxswain scratched his head, searching for the right way. Finally he turned on the intercom and said "All Hands On Deck!!"

The sailors stood at attention on deck. The Coxswain said, "will all men whose mothers are still living take one step forward - Not so Fast there, Abernathy!!!"

"A man with a strong attachment to "demon rum" would stagger home every night through a graveyard that was located near his house.

There he was met by a constantly nagging wife who stayed on his back though every waking hour.

Finally tired by her own nagging, the wife decided on a drastic plan of action:

She hired a fellow to dress up in a devil's costume and hide behind one of the tombstones in the graveyard. She wanted to scare her husband into sobriety.

The next night the drunk comes swaying through the graveyard, and the fellow in the devil's suit jumps up from behind one of the tombstones and makes a terrible sound.

"Who are you," the drunk asked. The other fellow says, "I'm the devil, that's who I am." The drunk says, "Well it's high time we met, I'v been married to your sister for forty years."

Kurdish men believed that a woman should be an egg with no mouth - a smooth and delicate object that omitted no sound.

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Those were good. keep them coming

-- Posted by rebeltom on Fri, Jun 10, 2011, at 3:10 PM

I laughed so hard I kicked the slats out of my cradle the first time I heard most of these, but they are still funny.

-- Posted by SenathDavid on Mon, Jun 13, 2011, at 12:22 PM

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