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According to professionals, one of the most common problems facing youth and the parents or guardians who raise them is a deficit in understanding one another or even being able to initiate a conversation about life's issues at all.
Melissa Weatherwax is a counselor who works with youth through Family Counseling Center's CSTAR program and confronts these issues daily during group and private sessions with her clients.
Weatherwax believes that one of the primary factors teens and parents are dealing with when it comes to positive communication, or lack thereof, includes things like language barriers, mixed signals and the feeling that the other party involved just doesn't get it or will never understand.
Most will agree when it comes to subjects like music and television trends, sex and drugs, a great deal of kids are going to be subjected or exposed to them at some point, even if parents don't approve. Whether at school, through media outlets, or on the street, today's teens seem to be taking it all in and processing it for themselves or discussing it among their friends.
People like Weatherwax and other professionals and experts say that the fact is that they are going to learn about subjects that may be a little scary, the question is whether parents are going to get involved and be a source of information for their children.
Most parents realize how difficult teens have it today and want them to be safe and make responsible decisions for themselves, however, a number of reasons may contribute to the lack of conversation actually taking place between parent and child.
According to Weatherwax, a lot of parents report feelings including not knowing what to say and how to say it. Weatherwax added that some parents are actually afraid to talk about things like sex and drugs with their children for fear that they will encourage their children, rather than discourage their children, to become actively involved in those activities.
"Some parents also think that there just simply isn't need to talk to their children," Weatherwax said. "Whether it is because they think their child is too young or just won't make those negative decisions, they refrain from bringing the subject up altogether."
"Although most parents truly want to believe that their children are not at risk, the reality is there is no way to be sure and that it is wiser to engage in these conversations even at an early age so that children are receiving positive and correct information rather than getting misinformation from there peers," Weatherwax added.
Some parents, according to research, avoid talking to their kids about the facts of life because they get the feeling that their children don't want to talk to them about them.
"While this may appear to be true, most if not all children really do want structure and discipline as well as a clear line of communication between themselves and their parents," Weatherwax said. "But they also want to be made to feel that they are allowed to have their own opinions and that those opinions are respected. They also want the freedom and trust to make their own decisions about certain issues facing them in their everyday lives."
The important things that teens and youth in general need to know from parents, according to Weatherwax and other professionals, includes what parents think about certain issues and what moral values they hold, how to resist pressure, coercion and exploitation, about consequences and potential results of certain decisions or actions, and perhaps most importantly, that the parents will always be there and approachable when a child needs to talk.
A group of teenagers, all 16 years of age, who are currently participating in the CSTAR program sat down with the Daily Dunklin Democrat recently to share their own opinions about the subject of conversation between teens and adults and give some insight into their own perspective on certain issues.
During the meeting, the group of teens shared their personal stories and the young people explained why they felt that they had made certain choices to become involved in risky behaviors such as drugs and sex.
"To be honest with you, I learned a lot from my parents," said one female client from Perryville, Mo. "From as early as I can remember I watched my mother participate in things like drugs, whether she was using or selling them from our home."
The 16- year-old girl from Perryville admitted that when she became approximately 12 years of age or so she became intrigued by what she was witnessing and wondered "what was so cool about it (the lifestyle and drugs)."
Before long she was using with her mother and living a lifestyle on the run that would make some parents cringe to think about.
"My mother and I started doing everything together," the girl said. "I guess I started using with her because I thought because she was my mother she would protect me and not let anything happen to me while we were using. I also trusted her to explain what was going on with me and why I was feeling the way I was after using."
The bright eyed Perryville girl, well beyond her years, admitted that she ended up addicted to crack/cocaine, which she labeled her "drug of choice" and that she had also frequently used other substances including marijuana, alcohol, methamphetamines, and prescription pills.
She also admitted that the experience had changed her.
"My grandparents do not live like that and were more than concerned for me," the Perryville girl said. "You could tell that they wanted to help me but did not know how to get on my level or what exactly to say to me to grab my attention. Also I think they were a little lost. They really didn't have a clue about me and what I was going through."
According to Weatherwax this scenario happens a lot. Whether it is the parent or the grandparent trying to protect the child and make them aware of the dangers of certain actions, Weatherwax says they have to educate themselves and study up on the reality of what kids are being faced with these days.
"The more informed parents or grandparents are the better off they will be," Weatherwax said. "There is so much out there that people just couldn't fathom. They have to do their research so when they do have those important conversations with their kids, they know what they are talking about and can be on the same page."
Weatherwax said parents must be aware of the trends, particularly involving drugs or even other risky methods kids are resorting to in an attempt to catch a buzz like the "choking game," which involved choking oneself or another by several different means until the point of passing out. It is a dangerous and life threatening act that is far from a game of getting high and has had possible ties to some deaths involving youth in our area, according to Weatherwax.
"Parents need to be in the know," Weatherwax reiterated.
A way to do this is by telling kids that they know the teenager has heard about the fun side of these kinds of trends but they want to discuss with them the serious side.
As in the Perryville girl scenario, it is important that parents maintain their authoritative position with children and refrain from becoming the child's best friend. According to Weatherwax, when parents try to get on their kids level in a friendship kind of a way, the situation can become too relaxed and they end up loosing their parental edge.
Other teens, like the Perryville girl, described what they thought would make it easier for them to talk to their parents and also told the Daily Dunklin Democrat why they don't want to talk about it.
The majority of them explained that, in their opinion, parents don't really listen to what they have to say. Most of the teens said that each time they have tried to approach their parent about something, their parents seem to dismiss everything they say.
One young man from Kennett said that his parents are exactly opposite of the Perryville girl's, saying that they were structured and "really strict" on him.
"They talk to me all of the time and stay on me about things but they send mixed messages," the Kennett boy said.
According to him and every other teen in the room, their parents would tell them to come and talk to them about issues but when the teens did what they said they ended up in trouble.
Two of the girls admitted that when they tried to talk to their mothers about their participation in sexual behaviors and talk about birth control, "their parents lost it."
"I knew she was disappointed in me," said one girl in the group. "But she completely freaked out on me and the conversation ended up going nowhere."
Other teens admitted that each time they had tried to talk to their parents about something serious their parents seemed to be ready to "shoot down" every idea or opinion they had on the matter.
A male teen from Perryville said, "Each time I would open my mouth to talk, my parents would be right there on the edge of their seat ready to tell me how wrong I was. No matter what I said, they were always right."
Weatherwax said this is typical. She said that it is very important to give kids the time to say what they have to say and to truly listen while they are speaking, even if they are wrong.
"When kids get shut down so fast it makes them reluctant to approach their parents again in the future," Weatherwax said. "To be able to talk to your kids about the important things and have the opportunity to say the things they need to hear, sometimes adults need to learn how to really listen."
The Internet website www.talkingwithkids.org, offers suggestions and resources for parents to utilize with their kids. The site is a part of a national campaign by Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation and helps parents learn how to talk to their kids about tough issues.
The subject matter covered on the site includes talking about sex, violence, HIV and AIDS, drugs, and alcohol. It's motto is "Talk with your kids... before everyone else does."
Additional information and resources for both parents and teens can be found at Family Counseling Center, Inc. located in Kennett. The center offers a variety of material and resources dealing with various subject matter and all of it is free.
For more information on other things that Family Counseling Center has to offer parents and teens looking to break the barrier in communication or answer some difficult questions call (573) 888-5925.