The Answer Man

A: A woman dressed in full battle gear and armor.

A woman is undoubtedly God's greatest achievement. But there is an unfortunate tendency for too many women to take their gender for granted, and dress more and more like a man -- the all too often androgynous look. Ugh.

It is understandable in hot weather to see women on the golf course, or out fishing, or even in Walmart, dressed in comfortable clothing. But does it have to be in faded jeans, and wearing a t-shirt bearing a picture of Mickey Mouse, or Big Foot.

Not that it is expected every time out, but whatever happened to a great looking dress, hose, and shoes with heels? Full battle gear and armor.

To be sure, high heels had to be a tad uncomfortable, but when did women stop suffering for beauty? There was nothing that enhanced those legs like a pair of high heels -- even for those women not so naturally blessed. Why must men pay the price for women being more comfortable?

Women should dress up more often. Dressing down is like having a beautiful Christmas tree, with popcorn the only decoration. Or like a top quality car in mint condition, with badly dented fenders, and needing a paint job.

Back in the ante-bellum days a woman would have a censure waist pulled so tight she was gasping for breath. She wore a billowing dress that dragged the floor, and threatened to catch a swirl of wind, and send her airborne. She pinched her cheeks to get a red glow. Now that was suffering for beauty.

Sometimes she wore a beauty mark, which was a far cry more compelling than a tattoo.

Going back to old high school days, the girls basketball team was more feminine than some women today.

They would line up in the hallway ready to go on the court Most of them had their hair done that day. They would be wearing short trunks. (Not those floppy sails they wear today.) Each of them had a lacy little hankie tucked at their waist, and there would be a sexy combination of double mint gum and perfume wafting down the corridor. Now that's when basketball was basketball!

Today you visit Walmart and see some fine specimen walking down the aisle. Unfortunately she is dressed like she just mowed the lawn.

Then come Sunday and you see the same creature coming out of church, or at lunch, and she looks fresh from the shower, a classy dress, hose, and shoes with some kind of heels. You want to fall to your knees in admiration. You resist applause.

Women worry about all the wrong things when it comes to clothes. For instance: They don't want to wiggle too much when they walk.

The day that women don't wiggle when they walk will reduce to world to pure abstraction -- a bland, dull place, not worth living in. Women should wear clothes that make them wiggle more.

There are some great looking female slacks, beyond the ever present jeans. But if they are too tight, women worry about their panty line showing.

All this is strictly a woman thing. Throughout the vast annals of history there has never been one man known to say, "Boy! Seeing that panty line really turned me off."

Women worry about being too chubby or too thin.

Come on now ladies. Whatever happened to wile female deception? Every woman with a little taste is a practicing magician. A touch here, a touch there. Shakespeare was wrong. You CAN make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and full battle gear and armor is the best way to do it.

Q: What was the dreadful incident that took place in rural Southeast Missouri?

A: The story unfolds below.

A woman (name withheld for discretionary purposes) had been hounding her husband for weeks to mow the lawn. The grass was growing ever higher.

He chose instead to go fishing, or golfing everyday, or whatever suited his fancy.

Finally, in an act of desperation and bitter contempt, the wife went to the yard one morning and started chipping away at the grass with a pair of scissors.

The husband, observing this demonstration, walked to the yard, handed his wife a toothbrush, and suggested that when she got through with the grass she could clean his car tires.

He's expected to live, but will have a slight limp the rest of his life.

The Answer Man will appear on occasion in the Daily Dunklin Democrat, and will provide answers to various and sundry questions about local people, etc. Readers are invited to submit their queries to The Answer Man by e-mailing them to bhunt@dddnews.com.