Answer: 35

The Daily Dunklin Democrat's Parade Magazine for Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005, had a glowing article about how wonderful it can be to reach age 60 or older.

The article is primarily dedicated to the "baby boomers," who are about to hit age 60. It is almost euphoric in its description of the "Golden Years" that are to follow. The author uses terms like: "Second Adulthood," and "Age of Mastery." (Whatever that means.)

Not to undermine good intentions, but there are also a few surprises the "baby boomers" have coming that no proper diet, health club, or mental attitude can do except slow down the inexorable process.

The Parade article should have given emphasis to an imperative in graceful aging, which is: Develop a stoic sense of humor. Without it you are doomed.

Actually, getting old is a pain in the ...... you name it, because the ever shifting pains of aging vary in their directions. Maybe not serious, but just enough to remind you that here will be no more dancing the limbo, or doing a cartwheel. One cartwheel and you could pull something that here-to-fore has never been pulled.

Getting out of bed takes a certain tenacity. It takes a stout heart to wake up in the morning and look at that craggy face staring back at you from the mirror. Then you have to shave it. It seems like a doleful waste of time in trying to make something out of nothing. A lot of old men probably grow beards so they can cover up as much of that sagging mess as possible.

The Parade article didn't mention these things in their glossy portrayal of growing old, but in fairness to the "baby boomers," there are some other advantages to aging they can look forward to:

* They can go to sleep anywhere, from the dance floor to a straight back chair. Hold any position too long and it's off to dreamland.

* They can catch up on all the magazines at the doctor's or dentist's offices.

* They will eventually run out of categories, therefore no longer subject to any insurance scams. The insurance companies will pass them faster than a speeding bullet.

* They will have the perfect excuse for a collapsing golf game. They will then be able to extol how good they used to be. The older they get, the better they used to be.

* People will quit asking them to open stubborn bottle tops.

* They can exclaim strong diatribes on any subject they want to. People will no longer pay any attention to what they have to say anyhow.

* They can tell all those people who used to be a thorn in their sides to kiss-off -- providing those people are not already dead, or no longer a part of their lives.

* They can flirt with any young woman they want to. No harm done. She will find it mildly amusing, and her husband can enjoy a curious entertainment.

* They can decide between being a loveable, old man, or a grumpy curmudgeon. Being a curmudgeon is more fun.

Thirty-five is the perfect age for a man. Any acne problems are history. Any mistakes you have made can probably be forgiven. You are still young, but have acquired enough empirical knowledge to make the big plunge in life.

At 35 you have cleared the spring board and are at the height of your dive. The next 25 to 30 years will decide whether you make a big splash, a gentle ripple, or a belly-burster. Either way, the bottom of the pool is coming up at you.

It would have been nice to stay at 35, and let someone else do the Golden Years.