Let me caution you that this is a self-serving piece, brought on by a series of irritating dining experiences, the last of which was recently in an upscale Memphis restaurant, where I was the guest of a group of old friends. My friends effectively "raised" their children, but some of their grandchildren are living on the edge of civilization, like Tarzan returned home to the English manor house of his grandparents. That it is to say, good genes, but "one with the monkeys" when it comes to behavior. By the way, those friends, all well educated and successful and cultured professional types, agreed with me about some of the grandchildren present. One couple, both physicians, squirmed at my remark that, "It's too bad we don't have some of that 'cough' medicine, that 'Dave' and 'Sally' [names changed kk] used on their kids 45 years ago." Back then, occasionally, but rarely, at a dinner party in their Germantown home, their exceedingly rambunctious five kids, now astonishingly middle aged, would become noisy and "hyper," as the night dragged on past their bedtimes. Dr. Wife would ask Dr. Husband, "Don't you think the kids are coming down with a cold?" He would reply in the affirmative, and suggest she get the cough medicine. Soon after each child had a spoon of the soothing syrup, they became quieter, and eventually drifted off to their beds. But, in a year or so, their brightest boy, let's call him "Andrew," would protest, "I don't have a cold, but THEY do," indicating his siblings, thus becoming a co-conspirator, he's a lawyer now.

I appeal to parents of young children to keep them out of restaurants until you and they have become sufficiently domesticated. And for the sake of all that's reasonable don't let us hear, "Junior, I'm counting 1-2-3 . . . " What I want you to do is yank junior from his chair, that he's not using anyway, and leave the dinning room, thus freeing the rest of us from his oppression, and the dismal display of your parenting "skills."

Now, I'm not talking about McDonald's, or Burger King or Wendy's etc., when I use the word restaurant. At a fast food joint, one can escape your nasty-naughts by bagging one's hamburger and "drank," and fleeing to the serenity of bumper to bumper traffic.

A restaurant, on the other hand, is a place where one dines, often at considerable expense, and with advance planning, and after driving some distance. It is possible, however, to eat in excellent restaurants, unscathed, with children whose ages can range from five to seventeen. I've done it dozens of times, with enjoyment. The difference in dining with well-behaved children, who understand that they are in a special place, and those who upset everyone in the room, is their training at home, coupled with the certainty that well behaved children know that if they misbehave, or are ill-mannered with waiters and others, they will be expelled with "extreme prejudice," and be made to return to the room after benefitting from a parent's behavioral modification/cultivation techniques and procedures, that might include the spanking, even of children up to the age of 10.

In reality, children who know that spanking is a real possibility, rarely require it. It's the children of "all talk and no action" parents who riot in restaurants. One cannot expect children to practice restraint in special situations, such as dining out, or even trips to the grocery store, if they are allowed to essentially do as they please at home, and pay no attention to attempts at parental control. Which gets us to the question of how do we train, cultivate, civilize, and educate children to live among us? Let's start with spanking, THE essential tool (the strong messenger) for raising children up from the level of chimpanzees.

By spanking, (agreeing in part with Dr. John Rosemond in his handbook, "To Spank or Not to Spank.") I mean two or three palm-only whacks to a child's clothed bottom. Spanking is not "beating," and any reasonable person knows the difference, and I'm not talking about teenagers here. Spanking gets a bad rap because "researchers" (knowing better) equate it with the strap across the face, and/or the using of doubled-up fists for actual beatings of teenagers.

By the time a child becomes a teenager, you'd better have already established who's boss in your home, and that it is NOT THE CHILD who makes the rules in your house. If the word "boss" gives you a mental charley horse, you may have already partially resigned your parental responsibility? You're likely the kind of surrendering parent who considers a teen's room "his," and that you cannot enter it without permission? That, of course, is nonsense and dangerous for your child's future. You must establish yourself as the "lawgiver" in your home, well before the age of nine or ten. It's too late to correct a teenager's disloyalty to the progress of the family by beating him, though one can enjoy the urge, but the actual act is unproductive and illegal.

While we're talking about teens, eating in a restaurant with more than three "normal" teenagers per table is often like eating in a dog kennel, except that dogs have the language advantage. Man's best friend can't utter witless comparisons, to cite a factual example, between the merits of Beethoven and Elton John, which is like comparing a magnificent redwood forest to a used toothpick? Dogs that I have had as companions have listened to all the Beethoven Symphonies, and seemed to have enjoyed them. But, I don't know a single teenager who can recognize more than two themes from such major symphonies. The Beethoven Symphony Recognition Score: dogs nine, culturally retarded teenagers nil.

Finally, training your children is the primary reason for your life, and thus they should not be considered as pesky "byproducts" of whatever relationship you have with your mate. Nor should you consider your children as opportunities to "relive" your life through them, nor should you use them to "keep up with the Joneses." And most important of all, keep them out of expensive restaurants, like a good wine, "before their time."

Kenneth Kinchen is an independent writer with a background in international business and foreign service contracting.