Horace Greeley, founder of the New York Tribune, was sure that "news" was plural. His newspaper staff didn't agree. Once, while traveling, he sent a telegram to the home office, which asked, "Are there any news?" A reporter replied, "Not a new."

Calvin Coolidge was a man of very few works, either writing or talking. At a part a socialite sat next to him and babbled, "Oh, Mr. President, do you know I made a bet that I could get more than two words out of you?"

Calvin responded quietly, "you lose."

One of Boston's First Families was touring America and spent some time in Chicago. One night they were invited to dine with one of the city's social leaders. The hostess was the epitome of graciousness, but the Boston socialite was snotty.

"In Boston," she said, conscious of her own impeccable family background, "we place our emphasis on breeding."

The host overheard this remark and felt he ought to interject: "In Chicago we think it's a lot of fund, but we manage to have a great many other outside interests."

Reports of Winston Churchill's nimble wit abound in the annals of the House of Commons. One exchange took place at the end of a day's session with Lady Astor. After a heated discussion she remarked caustically to Churchill, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee."

"If you were my wife, Nancy," Churchill quipped, "I would surely drink it."

Dorothy Parker's barbed ripostes cut many well-known personalities down to size. Miss Parker and a friend were discussing a Hollywood actress one day during lunch.

"I think she was wonderful," said the friend, about the star's role in a recent motion picture. "She ran the whole gamut of emotions."

"Well," said Miss Parker, "she ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."

Never one to mince words, Groucho Marx endured a stultifying dinner party for several hours, then rose to leave.

"I've had a wonderful evening," he announced to his host. "But this wasn't it."

One bright youngster was being paraded before a guest to demonstrate his precocity. The history teacher, a guest, said to the boy, "Do you know what Phoenicians made in history?" The wide-eyed child answered, "Blinds."

A journalist who had no trouble pronouncing Polish names read the item hot off the newswire.

"There's been a violent earthquake in Pszczyna, Poland," he told his editor.

The editor chuckled heartily, then said, "Find out the name of the place before the earthquake!"

Sir C. Aubrey Smith entered his favorite posh restaurant and was ushered to his customary corner for a tranquil dinner. Unfortunately, his peace was disturbed when a dissatisfied patron at the next table began complaining loudly.

"What do you do to get a glass of water in this dump?" shouted the man.

Irritated, but maintaining his equanimity, Sir Aubrey leaned over and suggested, "Why don't you try setting yourself on fire?"

Dr. A.O. Goldsmith of Kennett is a retired director of the School of Journalism, Louisiana State University