A Man's Car is His Castle
My car is my office, my filing cabinet, my spare bedroom, my art collection, my summer home, my beach cabana, my sauna, my think tank, my den, my gym locker, my golf locker, my tool chest, my media center, my breakfast nook, my easy chair, my laundry basket, my command center. ...
'All grind-metal steampunk powerslop, all the time'
In the mid-'60s you could hear the Beatles, Frank Sinatra, Peter Paul & Mary, the Temptations and Roger Miller all on the same radio station, sometimes all in the same hour. On top of that, you'd get your hourly three-minute dose of news, weather and sports. ...
Keeping Up with the Mullens
This season's final episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" is nearing. If you have no idea who the Kardashians are and have missed each and every episode of their 3-year-old reality show, welcome to my world. I asked a local teenager to tell me why they were famous but tuned out the answer. ...
I need a vacation from all this relaxing
Recently a chateau in the south of France was robbed of millions of dollars worth of fine art while the owners were on vacation. I'm sorry they got robbed. But what were these people on vacation from? If you live in a castle stuffed with Picassos and Van Goghs and there are palm trees and a Rolls Royces in your front yard, let me explain something to you: you are already on vacation! What is the thinking here? "Gee, the stress of being too rich is killing us. ...
Don't bring food to the dinner table
I don't know if it's an ironclad rule, but I've always heard it is considered impolite to talk about religion, politics or money at the dinner table. It makes sense, because we should enjoy eating together, not dread it. And it still leaves plenty of things to talk about -- work, family, sports, pets, hobbies, and if all else fails, at least you can talk about the food...
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
I just got my crystal ball back from the cleaners and have looked deep into the coming year. While not every prediction I made last year came true -- Tiger Woods did not win the Husband of the Year Award, and Elvis was not discovered working at a Dairy Queen outside Biloxi -- I feel much more confident this year. I'm hoping to break 95-percent accuracy for the first time:...
Think locally, shop online-ally
Just because I do my shopping online doesn't mean I'm not supporting my local businesses. Most of them have Web pages. They'll gift wrap any present and mail it for me. I don't have to drive around looking for a non-existent parking spot, I don't have to elbow my way through crowds, I don't have to wait in line at the cashier, I don't have to wait at the wrapping desk. It also cuts down on my impulse buying. Not that I've made an impulse buy since the beginning of the Great Recession...
Enjoy the gift of corpses this holiday season
About two weeks ago, I started noticing ads for a movie that opens Thanksgiving Day. It is the soft-focus, romantic holiday comedy, "Ninja Assassin." Too bad the ad is filled with deadly throwing stars and knife-wielding, wall-walking martial artists who kick people in the face and gut enemies in super slow-mo. What could say "Thanksgiving" more than "Ninja Assassin"?...
The good, the ad and the ugly
"Do you have NOPQ? If so, ask your doctor about Nopquease." I can't tell you how many times I've watched commercials for medicine on TV without ever figuring out what malady the medicine is supposed to cure. "Do you have shortness of breath? Loss of ear hair? Painful fingernails? Does your coffee smell like tea? You may be suffering from NOPQ. Ask your doctor about Nopquease, the only FDA-approved antidote for EFGHI, the medicine we were pushing last year...
I was insulting people way before the Internet
Wouldn't this be a great world if we named our children the way we name ourselves in Internet chat rooms? First grade would be full of kids named Mountainclimber, EggyParms, JerBear, Misscreant, radiogirl, D.AngeloSnutz, Bigguy, Cowboybill, Ladysman, ToastraDamus, SchwarmaDuke, NicCageFan4life and SmoochEPants, instead of Madisons, Ashleys, Jacobs and Ethans. ...
The Village Idiot