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Owners manual for a child

Posted Wednesday, September 16, 2009, at 1:51 PM

So I know we have all been here before. Okay maybe not, but for those of us who have children...you know what I am talking about. You're driving in the car whether it is after work or just trying to make it home from the grocery store and you have a car in front of you, a car behind you, and a car on your left that just wont speed up and go around the one in front. Isn't this left lane for passing? I mean come on!! I am not trying to show my Dale Earnheart abilities here but, for goodness sake get your piece of junk up and over and let me pass!

Ok, so this is it, my moment to pass. I slowly start to get over in the left lane just to make sure I am not about to be smashed to smithereens by an on-coming vehicle. I gently press on the accelerator and just as I am building up my speed this piece of garbage on my right thinks its funny to floor his gas as if saying 'bring it on let's race!' Okay was this car not just driving like he is trying to conserve every ounce of gas in the tank and now he decides we are both competing in the Indy 500.

To top that I have a three year old who won't stop talking and a two month old yelling at the top of his lungs. All I want to do is make it home, and I swear I need to stop and get out of the car and just scream at the top of my lungs! I was just hit in the back of the head with a bat! Oh no! Wait! that was just my three year old throwing her empty sippy-cup at the back of my head! Patience with her is like asking a dog to change his spots. It's just not going to happen. It's every five seconds... "Mom, I want my song... Mom play my song..Mom you know what?'...'Hey Mom brother spit his paci out!!'

I slam on my brakes and I pull to the side and I get in the glove compartment and I pull my "Owning a child manual" out of the glove compartment. I quickly flip through the pages and it's in this moment I realize they don't make a manual like this. Sitting in my hand is my vehicle manual. Hmm... can I relate a child to a car? I stare down at this page and I am on if your car is empty, filling it with gas and I think to myself how I can relate this to a child. Ah-ha I got it... fuel these kids up with some food then maybe I'll have a smooth trip home. How come no one ever told you how hard it would be to have children and that there is now owner's manual to tell you what to do and when to do it? Wouldn't the world be a much better place if before you left the hospital they gave parents one of these things? I mean you spend the first 2-3 years getting your child to walk and talk and the next several years trying to get them to sit down and be quiet. No one tells you that that brand new outfit you just put on for the first time can never be worn again, once your little angel spits up all over it. I am not talking about just a little dribble here and there. I am talking about... "Have you ever seen Ragen off of the Exorcist? I swear my son just shot milk out 15-feet from his mouth.

As I get out of the car to take my seat back, there goes the car I just worked so hard to pass. Am I ever going to make it home, I think to myself? I slowly stick the paci back in to my little man's mouth and close the door ever so gently, trying not to startle him. I slowly put the car back into drive and I inch it back onto the road. This is it...this long trip home has finally shown some exhaustion on my children. Can I be so lucky to have a peaceful way home? Can I? I am building up my speed and here it comes peace and quiet for a minute... I'm looking at the clock... two minutes and then all of a sudden it's like nails on a chalkboard. My hair just rises on my neck and its in this moment I realize his pacifier has came out of his mouth, again, and he has realized it and is screaming his cute little head off which wakes up my daughter and her inquisitive mind. "Mom what's wrong with brother... mom I am tired...Brother quit screaming...Brother five more minutes." Oh does the anguish never stop? Can't I click my heels three times and just wish myself home? This 15-minute trip home has turned into an hour trip. Where did the time go?

Maybe ill just turn the radio on and drowned out the sound. I then realize I am to soft-hearted to do this. Can't I just wake up from this nightmare? It's in this moment I realize myself my patience is wearing very thin. How can this perfect little angel who has me wrapped around his little finger be so demanding. That's it..I am on to him...he knows I am wrapped around his little finger and has me right where he wants me. Who would have known this little tiny being who has been in the world less time than I have have it all figured out. He has the world right at his tiny little fingers.

I get them situated and back in my car for what seems like a trip that just wont end. Like I am stuck in the Twilight Zone. I see my house just up ahead and what takes minutes seems like days to get there. I pull my vehicle in drive and I peel myself off of the seat. I have never been so happy to be home that I kiss the ground. As I walk through the door with my kid's, my husband is standing there to greet me, "Where have you been...you look like you had a rough day!" As if he only knew.....


Comments
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lol, i can relate to all of that although I'm too nice of a person to call another person's vehicle a piece of junk b/c that's just not nice, been there had a car that barely got me to where i was going until I could finally afford a new(er) one.

I can relate to all the child stuff though especially on them long trips... Momma, Momma, Momma.......K its time to pull my hair out..

thank goodness for the portable DVD players, earphones, and annoying little Spongebob....

I can so relate to your blog, super!!! Although when I walk through the door, my husband is like come on I'm starving cook me some dinner, wash dishes, blah blah blah......... That's when it should be legal to beat your husband's ughh

-- Posted by sj83 on Thu, Sep 17, 2009, at 9:02 AM

OKAY YOU ARE RIGHT I PROBABLY SHOULDNT HAVE SAID PIECE OF JUNK BUT IT WAS REALLY JUST KIND OF USING A METAPHOR. I TO HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF PIECES OF JUNK THAT BARELY GOT ME WHERE I WAS GOING. I DO APOLIGIZE FOR THAT COMMENT.

-- Posted by mbuchanan on Thu, Sep 17, 2009, at 9:10 AM

haha This almost sounds like my "Mary Poppins Meets Birth Control" blog! Glad to see you've joined Team Bloggers... We'll have to get together and talk about our not-so-normal life situations... we seem to be in the exact same realm. Good luck! :)

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Mon, Sep 21, 2009, at 6:41 PM

HEY JAICA HOW YOU BEEN?? HAHA I DIDNT REALIZE IT WHEN I TYPED THAT BLOG BUT I JUST GOT DONE READING YOUR AND YOURS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! YOU ARE A VERY TALENTED WRITER.

-- Posted by mbuchanan on Thu, Sep 24, 2009, at 10:54 AM


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Mackenzie Buchanan Harmon
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Just when life starts to make sense, a curve ball is thrown at you. It's in this moment you realize you know absolutely nothing about life. Follow Mackenzie Buchanan Buchanan as she learns and sometimes vents on new challenges throughout this journey we call life. Sometimes trying to balance family, work, and anything else thrown your way can take all you have just to keep sane.
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