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Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Wii Killed the Nintendo Star

Posted Tuesday, July 14, 2009, at 1:07 PM

I'm contemplating suing the Wii company for the mid-life crisis it has caused me at such an early age. I'm also suing for the physical damage it has done to my entire body.

It all started during a family reunion. We had just finished breakfast and naptime was lurking in my immediate future. My teenage cousins had been playing Wii for the majority of the weekend, and every time they swatted those little remote controls toward the television, I couldn't believe how easy the game world had become. Back in my day, there was nothing 3D about a Nintendo game; there was an uncomfortably square controller and a dinosaur-riding midget.

Cousin Bradley was the first of the adults to take one of those cursed controllers into his hands and begin what I like to call "Death to Your Respiratory System." After watching him swivel and lurch and curse slightly under his breath, I decided he, too, made this look easy. My competitive side kicked in, however, and I began talking smack about his game. Soon I was informing everyone that watching Brad suck at Wii bowling was getting old.

It's times like this I wish I could just shut up.

Brad challenged me. Not to a standstill game of bowling, but to a feel-your-lungs-collapse game of tennis. Tennis. No amount of playing sports in high school could have prepared me for this madness.

Within minutes of playing tennis with these neckless and armless cartoons, I was dripping sweat. My breathing was coming in short gasps. My back was hurting. No one would even let me stretch! Those wireless controllers along with my cousins' twisted humor are the root of this evil. I was "informed" that the more you put your body into it, the more your character moves. Soon I was lurching myself from side to side of the living room trying to make my team player do the same. I was spiraling through the air in an attempt to make my player really reach for the ball. I was grunting and huffing and puffing while my 3D superstar stood there, waiting for me to serve again. I ran full force back and forth while Brad stood in place and watched me make a mockery of myself.

After a few hours of delirium, I thought there were a few times my on-screen Wii contender flipped me off, but I actually attacked the television only once.

The next morning I woke to a crippling pain in my shoulders, abs, thighs and feet. I felt like I'd been beaten with tree trunks and ran over by a mack truck and mauled by werewolves.

Was I really so old that I could no longer play a nice game of pretend tennis without feeling the traumatic aftermath? Shall I begin mobilizing myself in a wheelchair, or strutting behind a walker? (Ah, the irony of a walker with tennis balls on the heels of it.)

My family ended up buying a Wii that weekend. I refuse to install it just yet, though. I've got a few weeks of boot camp to go through before I take on something so crippling as the Wii.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Oh, if you think tennis is rough, you should try boxing! After one 3 round match of boxing, I felt like I would go into cardiac arrest. I haven't played boxing since then!

-- Posted by concerned on Tue, Jul 14, 2009, at 4:57 PM

I'm pretty sure I played Wii Bowling so much one day that I developed tendonitis in my elbow. And don't even get me started on Wii Boxing; it's a myocardial infarction waiting to happen if you don't pace yourself.

-- Posted by Brandon Higgins on Wed, Jul 15, 2009, at 12:36 PM

I love the Wii because it does get you up off the couch and moving around. Old school Nintendo you sat and played til your thumbs were on the verge of falling off, speaking from experience here.

I agree Boxing is a killer!!

-- Posted by MrsRobbieD on Wed, Jul 15, 2009, at 1:33 PM

Now, Jamaica, this is a good read!

-- Posted by BootheelRedHead on Wed, Jul 15, 2009, at 2:31 PM

My husband and I bought one for Christmas 2 years ago and we played for two days straight after we brought it home. We were so sore!! I feel your pain.

-- Posted by crucani76 on Thu, Jul 16, 2009, at 11:11 AM

I wonder if Jillian from "The Biggest Loser" on NBC could even keep up?

-- Posted by mcoram on Thu, Jul 16, 2009, at 8:24 PM

I love your blogs Jamaica, Keep them coming, and a little more often would be great!!!

-- Posted by ktjaw91 on Thu, Aug 6, 2009, at 2:57 PM

Why thank you TyroneTyrone! (Can we shorten it to TT? It's getting difficult to type that so many times.) I have to say, if my looks are all that readers are interested in, then isn't it appropriate to indeed call myself a Bombshell? I think that's the point you were making in the last blog you commented on. Have your people call my people, and we will figure out whether or not I'm offensively gorgeous or completely tragic looking. Oh I do hope it's the first! :)

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Sun, Aug 23, 2009, at 5:53 PM

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The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell
Jamaica Williams
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Follow the events of a young, single female who just graduated college and is looking for the next chapter to begin. The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell looks at what life is like for a young woman in her 20's, living in a small town, who has nothing in common with her friends: she's not interested in marriage, she wants a taste of the city life, and dating is for fun not so much for finding The One.
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