[Nameplate] Overcast ~ 58°F  
High: 70°F ~ Low: 52°F
Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Pink Straight Jackets

Posted Thursday, June 18, 2009, at 8:10 AM

In automatic rebuttal to the oncoming negativity to this blog, I dare any woman to convince me she doesn't have a personality disorder. My disorder, though, is a tad more eccentric than the average lady. I embrace my disorder and unleash it accordingly. I realize, however, that this same insanity is the reason I haven't found Mr. Right yet. Mr. Right is having a crash course in the fundamentals of a swinging pendulum. And bless him-- my swinging pendulum could knock him on his rear and make him wish he were dead.

My personality disorder comes in the form of multiple schizophrenic personas with traces of a wicked bipolar disorder. Within me, there's a five-year-old named Jasmine who demands attention and pouts regularly when things don't go her way; Mabel, the 70-year-old whose oxygen tank rolls on mud tires and spinners; Paprika, the anorexic who recently gave up the last of her nutrition for Lent; finally, there's Roxy, my own Twilight vampire diva who has an uncanny ability to make Edward Cullen shudder with desire. These are only a few of the multitude of personas I recognize inside my own head. The rest are on hiatus until another unsuspecting victim stumbles into my life.

I came across my epiphany about Mr. Right months ago after a wretched break-up that left me a bit confused and extremely pessimistic about love. (For the record, I'm fine now. My inner therapist said I did nothing wrong, and curse the man who couldn't hang with my morbid wit and childlike charm.)

In my relationships, all of my personalities want to be front and center. Instead of mediating who will stick around and who should be euthanized, I let them all come out and play. Someone always gets hurt. The single gal in me gets bored easily and hates relationships, while my inner "wifey" attempts to cook a four course dinner after Exhibit A gets home from work.

In the end, I always end up leaving the relationship in hopes of giving all of me's a rest. After one guy had the audacity to break up with me because of his love for secretaries with bad teeth, all my inner psychos went into war-mode, complete with live grenades and a helmet. Sadly, I was the only survivor from the wreckage.

I think God has already selected Mr. Right for me, and I just have to wait for the poor lucky guy to survive boot camp. He's probably been dragged P.O.W--style through the desert with no water, thrown from an airplane with no parachute and locked in a room full of pre-menstrual women who haven't been fed according to their cravings. All of this was designed specifically as his training regimen so he can be tricked into meeting me--The Saint Patron of All That is Absurd.

This, at least, is my hope. If he's not being trained and shaped to fit me, then I might have to change something about myself in order to fit him. I'm not sure if Mabel will allow that, being that she's old and set in her ways. In the meantime of calming my schizophrenic mood swings with the soothing sounds of Metallica and Britney Spears, I will continue to be patient. Mr. Right has a very intense training to endure before he meets me in my hot pink straight jacket. My padded room makes for great acoustics if he's up for karaoke, though.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

My comment? Get a life. Get a job. Then you won't have time to dream up such nonsense.

-- Posted by br549 on Wed, Jun 17, 2009, at 6:48 PM

This is the funniest one yet!! br549, If it's that bad, quit reading the blogs!!

-- Posted by Leah Barker Barton on Wed, Jun 17, 2009, at 9:01 PM

I have to agree with Mrs. Barton on this: if people aren't entertained with my blogging style, then there are multiple other ones to choose from that you might find more enjoyable and more meaningful. There's also world hunger and troops overseas to worry about as well, so we all have plenty we can be dedicating our time to if this blog isn't your cup-o-tea.

Currently, I am employed at Hibbett Sporting Goods located in the Bootheel Plaza...come see me if you need basketball shoes or a neato Mizzou t-shirt!

Mrs. Barton: glad I could make your day a little more perky!

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Wed, Jun 17, 2009, at 9:24 PM

As usual - hilarious! I need the break that you give me to have a laugh. There's plenty of "serious" stuff out there for Junior Samples up there to read if he doesn't need a chuckle. Keep it up, Jamaica!

-- Posted by Jo-Co-Worker on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 12:50 PM

I'm sorry, br549 but honestly if you don't care for what you are reading how did you get so far to make it to the comment section.

I'm sure your computer has a lil red "X" at the top right side. If you don't like what you are reading, just click that lil box. POOF!

I've read all the posts before today. I LOVE THEM! They make me laugh and smile so much so I've sent them to my friend in OHIO and she loves as well.

Keep it up Jamaica! In this sad state the world is in laughter helps alot!! Wonder if Pink Straight Jackets are one size fits all?

-- Posted by MrsRobbieD on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 1:01 PM


I LOVE and look forward to reading your blogs. My boring days at work go by alot faster getting a few laughs at your life experiences. I hate to see negative comments on such great work. I truely enjoy reading them. You give us girls someone we can relate to! Keep up the amazing work!

-- Posted by ChelseaLynn on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 2:16 PM

Pink straight jackets are definitely one size fit all! I should know-- I've done the legwork :)

It's so refreshing to read so many positive responses to my work! I enjoy reading the responses more than you all enjoy the blog, I promise!

Here's to making your day a little less serious!


-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 5:20 PM

I love your blogs Jamaica! I relate to your stories alot.(And laugh at them for a long time) Sometimes, I too could use a strait jacket. But I would NEVER be caught dead in it, unless it was pink.

-- Posted by latchison on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 5:31 PM

To do self depreciating satire and do it right is an art, and you did good.

-- Posted by Lived There Once on Thu, Jun 18, 2009, at 7:14 PM

"Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History" has become the slogan for modern, independent women. ... This is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt...and a favorite of mine and some of my not so well behaved or crazy friends....

Your blog made me think of it.

Funny stuff.

-- Posted by Vickie on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, at 12:57 PM

Keep up the great blogs Jamaica, Your writing skills are outstanding.

-- Posted by BadBones on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, at 1:46 PM

I am sorry but anyone who calls themself an "Average Bombshell" has to be more than struck on themself. All of the blogs I have read have been all about Jamaica. As a psychotherapist who doesn't really appreciate people making fun of bipolar disorder, personality disorder and schizophrenia I can certainly analyze and figure out why Mr. Right hasn't been along yet!

-- Posted by BootheelRedHead on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, at 2:39 PM

As a psychotherapist, you are probably more than aware that 100 percent of society has more diluted traits of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder to some extent, so to make fun of these disorders would, in fact, be wrong and quite hipocryitcal. Proof of paranoia would be your screen name, as no one would dare say their real name online.

All I am doing is embracing my personality as a whole, freak show and all. And, if you'll read closer, you will see that I am not attempting to diagnose myself with these serious illnesses, but instead making a comparison of what I believe is an unmistakable closeness. But to be completely honest and straight foward, I am yet again making fun of myself and only me. Of course this blog is about me. I'm writing it, and that's my particular style. I never pretended this blog would be anything but hot air, so to take it seriously is a reflection of the reader, not the writer.

Of course, the real psychoanalysis to this has to do more with people who hide behind screen names, correct? I kid, I kid.

I do want to make the connection for some readers that blogging is completely different than the news. For newswriting, there are several checkmarks an event has to pass before it is considered for publication, and after that, it has to be produced into either "hard" or "soft" news. Blogging, on the other hand, has no stipulations as to what is considered and what isn't. Although it does have ethical boundaries, the whole basis of blogging wouldn't exist if no one were allowed to toe the line. So I guess this all goes back to freedoms. To write or not to write? To read or not to read? To make voodoo dolls of the Average Bombshell or not? :) (But I must warn you, you'll never be able to make a voodoo doll with hair as big as mine!)

Whew! To those who enjoy this "nonsense" and "waste of time"... please, if you're going to waste time, do it while reading about my every day life! One day, this baby's gonna be a book... and I believe I might need body guards during the book signings. My tires are probably getting slashed as I type.

I do love reading all the responses... it's always fabulous to see people reading my work!!

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, at 8:00 PM

As I have told you before, you are uber talented chick! Your style of writing is refreshing, inspiring, and makes people chuckle out loud, or at least think about things quietly. That is exactly why I knew that adding you to our line-up of bloggers would be a great move. You're shaking things up with your tongue-in-cheek perceptions of daily life in Jamaica's world. Continue to be you, to write, and keep people interested. As one of our the users suggested earlier, even those who have presented a less than warm welcome to this space are obviously moved in some way by your blogs, or else they would not continue to read them and post their replies... supportive or not. That is what it is all about anyway, right?

Keep up the creativity. I'm looking forward to the next one.

-- Posted by deannacoronado on Fri, Jun 19, 2009, at 9:22 PM

jamaica keep up your upbeat attitude its cool i dont think your making fun of anyone cause i belive no matter if we face it or not we are all bipolar in 1 way or another yes ive fought the awful situation of being that and fighting it and bulimia and annorexia im totaly the poster child for all the above im now 46 and i still struggle everyday when i dont eat and my children notice i think im cured but the older they get i see im not i eat a few crackers a day to stop the hunger pains and especially if we only have enough food for only my kids that comes first and i try like i said to snack but having this disorder since i was 13 i try to deal with it cause it sucks now i do get hungry guess with age but my kids come first and we dont get enough money everymonth to i guess splurge so i get stuck back in my anerxic mode so i know its hard

-- Posted by ocean on Sat, Jun 20, 2009, at 1:44 AM

lol, watch out MEN! Now I can relate to some of those, lol.

-- Posted by sj83 on Mon, Jun 22, 2009, at 2:13 PM

I love every one of your blogs!! Keep up the good work!!

-- Posted by Alissa on Tue, Jun 23, 2009, at 2:11 PM

It's almost been an entire week....PLEASE post another blog. I"m in need of a good laugh.

-- Posted by Leah Barker Barton on Wed, Jun 24, 2009, at 11:18 AM

Jamaica, Your following is stretching far and wide. I live in the far west corner of Ark and make sure that all my friends read your blog also. It always puts a smile on our face, we just wish you blogged more than once a week. :) Don't pay attention to the negative comments of the scarcastically challenged. Those of us that have the gift love your blogs...

-- Posted by Beckyjo on Thu, Jun 25, 2009, at 11:17 AM

If we need anything at this time we definitely need a sense of humor. I am amazed at the cynicism. Love your blog.

-- Posted by nana05 on Thu, Jun 25, 2009, at 3:01 PM

I appreciate all the recent comments! I'm so glad people can appreciate my sense of humor for what it is-- extremely sarcastic, a bit moody and always lighthearted. I love reading comments when readers just "get it". There is plenty more where these came from, TRUST me :)

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Thu, Jun 25, 2009, at 11:59 PM

From the standpoint of a close friend and obviously biased reader, of course your blogs are phenomenal! They make for an extremely good laugh on a dull day in the Bootheel. From the standpoint of an English teacher, your blogs are catchy, flawless, and overall outstanding pieces of work! Keep doing what you do; like it or not, your work is definitely getting publicity! I am proud of you for braving such a tough crowd and am looking forward to reading the next "step on someone's toes" blog. Cheers to pink straight jackets and big-haired women!

-- Posted by Ashley Martin on Fri, Jun 26, 2009, at 5:45 PM

Your blogs are amazing. You have both me and my husband looking forward to reading them.You are a great writer. Keep it up.

-- Posted by crucani76 on Tue, Jun 30, 2009, at 7:44 AM

Deanna - from your above post I see that you are Ms. Williams' boss. I just wanted to extend a "Job well done" to you for seeing her talent and publishing a contemporary blogger in a seemingly very small town... risky.

As a Memphian, I can confirm that this blog is quickly gaining readership all over the greater Memphis area and surrounding cities. It's funny how just one person can refer another to a seemingly unknown website and blogger, and before long it becomes a point of interest in weekly conversation!

All the journalists in my office are raving about her contribution, and even being able to see how readers in a small town respond to her blogs (controversially or otherwise) is refreshing. As you know from being in the media industry, people don't tend to sing our praises often... usually the response we see is from a loud, disgruntled minority.

Knowing that, I wanted to take just a moment to say great job to you, Deanna, for being a risk-taker! (Not common enough among us media sources) The response in larger cities is definitely well-received and comparable to what readers love from New York to L.A.

Keep shining, Jamaica!

-- Posted by scarlettohara on Wed, Jul 1, 2009, at 1:26 PM

I really enjoyed this one Jamaica. Keep up the great work! I think that every woman out there in the world can relate to you. Keep them coming. Take Care!!

-- Posted by Rachel Crayne on Sun, Jul 5, 2009, at 11:50 AM

I apologize...I didn't realize that by calling myself a lunatic, I would also be calling myself "all that and a bag of chips." I do hope we're talking about sour cream and onion...those are my fave! But seriously, in my spare time, sometimes I think about other people...and then it's back to me! :)

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Sun, Aug 23, 2009, at 5:48 PM

Respond to this blog

Posting a comment requires free registration:

The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell
Jamaica Williams
Recent posts
Blog RSS feed [Feed icon]
Comments RSS feed [Feed icon]
Follow the events of a young, single female who just graduated college and is looking for the next chapter to begin. The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell looks at what life is like for a young woman in her 20's, living in a small town, who has nothing in common with her friends: she's not interested in marriage, she wants a taste of the city life, and dating is for fun not so much for finding The One.
Hot topics
The Boondocks
(2 ~ 3:10 PM, Jan 8)

Survival Kit
(1 ~ 12:54 PM, Sep 16)

Cat Lady
(8 ~ 6:36 PM, Sep 4)

Satan's Candy
(20 ~ 7:47 AM, May 24)

R.I.P. "Tink Tink"
(4 ~ 10:13 AM, May 19)