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Friday, May 6, 2016

Satan's Candy

Posted Thursday, June 4, 2009, at 2:21 PM

Here's a little ditty about weight loss. I'm a failure at it.

My first try at losing weight found me in the Wal-Mart parking lot with a box of fudge rounds and drinking a quart of milk as if I were late for my daily crack pipe addiction. I was in my first semester of college. I noticed how quickly I gained weight when I no longer had daily exercise from playing sports year round like I had in high school. My roommate and I had decided to enforce a work out regimen for the both of us. On top of that, we would watch what we ate. A month into our program, we went to Wal-Mart to buy more fruits and veggies. I passed the Hostess aisle, and suddenly my taste bud labeled "Fudge Round" took over. I must have blacked out, because the next thing I knew, I was in the car shredding those little cakes out of their individual packages and shoving one...two...three into my mouth before my roommate even had a chance to stop me. I told her to shut up and drive. I had a disease and the only cure was more chocolate. Then I politely asked her to pull into Taco Bell.

Now, I live at home again, and our cabinets stay fully stocked. One cabinet in particular houses all of the snack food. Snack food is my weakness. Snack food is Satan's candy. There are chocolate cupcakes in there that scream my name and throw tantrums until I open the cabinet and eat one. My rationale is absurd: I'm aware I cannot lose weight with food like that in the house. How do I fix it? Eat it all so I won't have to look at it. It's a vicious cycle.

Recently, I've decided to get serious about getting healthy. I've teamed up with one of my oldest friends to run in the morning and walk at night. Although I should be ready for the Olympics within the decade, there is the Debbie Downer part of me that really doesn't like working out. In fact, I loathe it. The second day of working out is probably the worst of all. The first day, I wake up excited and ready to find those abs of steel that must be hiding somewhere in my torso. I could run for hours on that first day. I'm ready to look like Nicole Richie, after all. The second day is when I wake up and realize I'm not as young as I used to be, my lungs are still trying to catch some breath for me and sore doesn't describe the tight balls of rubber bands that now reside within my legs. After the second day, I automatically know how much working out will hurt and suddenly I would rather wax the hair off my head using concrete than run anymore. As if running for exercise isn't enough, there are stray dogs that must have been trained terrorists in a past life. They chase us, bite at us and howl to other dogs that fresh meat is on the loose. Suddenly, we're running for our lives instead of a having a nice morning jog. Vehicles pose another threat. Sometimes I wonder if there is an actual person driving the truck who is careening toward us, or if it's just a possessed vehicle ready to kill. Morning jogs become a game of dodging, ducking, dipping and diving out of the way of unyielding motorists. When our morning run is over, I sit down to eat a hearty breakfast of cardboard cereal loaded with whole-grain yuck and fresh blah. It's a severe change from the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts I would rather have. Sometimes I wonder if my parents aren't afraid they'll walk into the kitchen to find me sitting in the middle of the floor, rocking to and fro, double- fisting a cake and a donut. Even as I write this, Satan's kitchen cabinet filled with Satan's candy is yelling for me to take my pick and dig in. The angel in my conscience is telling me to cram an apple in my mouth and get over it. The devil is telling me it's not polite to let my mouth water in vain. In between chocolate binges and the aftermath of depression, I will continue to alternate running and walking. So, if you see me running in one of the local neighborhoods, feel free to toss me a piece of whole-grain, sugar free, protein-stocked, carbohydrate free, unsaturated, good-for-the-heart lettuce. And a Dr. Pepper while you're at it.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

I too struggle with weight. I praise you for trying to kick the habit and eating more healthier for you.

-- Posted by Rachel Crayne on Wed, Jun 3, 2009, at 7:40 AM

you forgot the other dodge in you "Dodge, Duck, Dip, and Dive" statement. Clever use of "Dodgeball though. Nice work. Just remember, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a truck." Maybe. :)

-- Posted by this_guy on Wed, Jun 3, 2009, at 10:31 AM

If you belive in GOD you shouldnt even throw satan in this its up to you to push satan away the Lord gives you chances in life but to be so bold to blame a religon of who wins GOD or Satan hello put the ding dongs away go to pastors or groups through a church that can help you both spiritual and human guidness GOD BLESS YOU

-- Posted by ocean on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 1:34 AM

To Ocean:

Satan's Candy is meant to draw the parallel between my sweet tooth and working out. I don't literally have an addiction that I can't kick.

I am blunt with my Christianity, and to assume I don't believe in God by this article is disturbing...and I'm not sure I can see where you concluded that. But to clear any notions you have of me, it's just a light-hearted article about how I have the ability to excercise, but it does me no good when I still like eating chocolate by the pound. I don't blame a religion or God...if you remember correctly, we are given free will by God himself, which is, if you want to be technical, exactly what I'm dealing with...not a punishment from God or a battle with Satan. I'm just hungry. :)

Thanks for reading! Hope I cleared up any misconceptions about my faith in the Lord.

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 8:55 AM

Wow. Ocean, are you serious? I'm assuming that was a joke.

Clearly Ms. Williams was drawing the parallels between Satan tempting people and how the sweets are a temptation for her... nothing more. To question her beliefs based on such a light-hearted blog frankly makes you look silly. And as Christians, we also need to be aware of when we're sounding judgmental. However, I'm sure you were just kidding because I don't see where any reader could misconstrue the above blog to be controversial in any possible way. As a writer myself, I believe I'm able to see things from a viewer's perspective (which adds to the art of writing because we try to understand our audience) but I definitely do not see Ms. Williams' article as a reflection of spiritual warfare manifested in Pop Tarts and Fudge Rounds.

Jamaica, I'm not sure if you're a local writer or a contributor from another city - but remember that even Jesus wasn't accepted in His own hometown.

Great, light and breezy blog! Continue to let your light shine.

Matthew 5:16

-- Posted by scarlettohara on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 10:21 AM

Wow Jamacia, you are two for two on offending someone with your blog. First the pro-kiddie folks wanted for form a lynch mob, now the "S" word has ocean all riled up.

I would like to see your notebook where you jot down ideas for your future blogs. Would it read as follows:

1. I kick my dog 10 times a day.

2. Screw the environment, recycling sucks.

3. I love to drink a drive.

4. Seatbelts are for wussies

etc, etc.

People are so prickly, something you say is going to come back at you even if there was no intent.

I am sure that you send/email in your blog. But the web editor really needs to read this before it goes live. Hot fudge Sundays? Really? Nothing personal on your Jamacia. That is a job for the editorial staff.

-- Posted by oldtrougher on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 1:48 PM

Wow.... talk about editing....

3. Should say

I love to drive and drive.

-- Posted by oldtrougher on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 1:49 PM

Can I hire an editor....

#3 should say.

I love to drink and drive.

Whew! got it.

-- Posted by oldtrougher on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 2:51 PM

hey oldtrougher can you spell Karma?

-- Posted by Janis_Lowe on Thu, Jun 4, 2009, at 4:30 PM

no oldtrougher, her articles just aren't that good, people should write about things that we care about not just wow ive gained weight and such. anyone that has seen her knows shes not fat at all, (rolling eyes)

-- Posted by sj83 on Fri, Jun 5, 2009, at 3:59 PM

wow they finally chose a blogger that is so full of themselves whether realized or not, lol..

Even the bio kinda is, hmm an average bombshell, lol

-- Posted by sj83 on Fri, Jun 5, 2009, at 4:00 PM

Dear jamaica,

I really enjoyed your blog this week.Isn't it a shame when you can't even poke light-hearted fun at yourself without blowing out somebodies candle.I say go ahead on girlfriend,speak to us fighting the battle of the bulge and throw hoho's at the rest of them!!

-- Posted by milford on Sat, Jun 6, 2009, at 11:54 AM

I think my blogs are at least interesting enough to draw responses from people who claim to dislike them.

I think the reason I was hired as a blogger was because it was something different...politics, economy and human welfare are very important issues to stay up-to-date with, but as a journalist, I know how depressing news can be when that's all one surrounds himself with. The power of blogging is that I can provide people with sensless, light-hearted chatter for the "Did you read?" discussions at work's water cooler.

My title is a play on words...just a little sarcasm for your every day life (plus a little tribute to my heart, Marilyn Monroe!)

Sometimes, it's just fun to see what's going on in someone else's world...isn't that the beauty of reality television? It's not necessary to make everyone happy with my work-- it's necessary to make one person happy with what they read, and allow them to find their sense of humor in a downward spiraling economy and end-of-the world theories.

When I graduated with honors in both journalism and broadcast (and public realitions! Weee!) I knew that I was fully capable of writing hard-hitting news stories...but it's not my personality. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not; I'm being exactly who I was born to be-- a writer. A story teller.

Keep reading, everyone! More to come!

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Sun, Jun 7, 2009, at 12:28 AM

I liked your article. I'm in the same boat. :) Let's hope Ocean has swept his or her own doorstep, and hope he or she knows what "literal" and "figuratively" means.

-- Posted by mcoram on Sun, Jun 7, 2009, at 9:19 AM

Well, if whimsical comments about chocolate are what it takes to get something moving on these blogs, I say go with it. Maybe the super-critical audience is one reason the blogs have been so "pastey" in the past.

By the way, blogs are NOT the place for editors to edit! Leave that to the news! A blog is opinion. If you give editors the right to change a writer's words, you destroy the whole concept of blogging. And who wants to read something that's been put through a sifter to weed out the originality?

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Jun 9, 2009, at 6:48 AM

Some folks just can't handle humor. Not everything can be taken literally, people. Jamaica is trying to have some fun and convey her thoughts in a humorous, facetious tone. Lighten up. With today's journalistic tone of doom and gloom, is it not acceptable for her to find retreat in her blog? Give me a break. I'd hate for you folks to see some of the tongue-in-cheek stuff I've written in some newspapers.

Keep up the good work, Jamaica.

-- Posted by Brandon Higgins on Fri, Jun 12, 2009, at 12:44 PM

TyroneTyrone! What an inappropriate comment to make! Ah well, if we're going to discuss my social status, let's get to it: I don't get "layed and left" too often. I think it has something to do with that big ole chastity belt my Daddy slapped on me for my sixteenth birthday. I have to agree with you: I think that 1x1 inch photograph of myself is the lone reason anyone would read my work...you're proof of that, right? :)

-- Posted by Jamaica Williams on Sun, Aug 23, 2009, at 5:44 PM

Jamaica, that was so funny, i was wiping the tears from my eyes as i was reading this. i love the way you put thing in words. i do understand the weakness, my is soda's ( yes Dr.Peppers )thanks for a good laugh!!!

-- Posted by homebody3608 on Mon, May 24, 2010, at 7:47 AM

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The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell
Jamaica Williams
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Follow the events of a young, single female who just graduated college and is looking for the next chapter to begin. The Fabulous Chronicles of an Average Bombshell looks at what life is like for a young woman in her 20's, living in a small town, who has nothing in common with her friends: she's not interested in marriage, she wants a taste of the city life, and dating is for fun not so much for finding The One.
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