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Monday, Mar. 10, 2014
The PreachersPosted Monday, June 29, 2009, at 10:29 AM
The Payoff Pitch
This is a column I wrote this past school year for my school newspaper, where I was the sports editor. The column is written about Harding University, which is a private university associated with the churches of Christ. I thought some of the readers might find it a bit humorous, but keep in mind that this is very facetious writing.
And now, the starting lineup for your Harding Preachers
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Harding had a different, more original mascot? Sure, Bisons is pretty original, but that's only because we use the rare plural form as an ode to tradition. I'm talking about something that can immediately be connected to our school. I think I have the answer.
It is my pleasure to introduce you to the Harding Preachers.
Think about it. We wouldn't have to deal with confusion regarding what the plural of Preacher is. There are, however, some problems that I've come across when researching this potential change.
First of all, what will the women's teams be called? Definitely not the Lady Preachers. Harding can't be having those. In order to be kosher, they'd need to be called something along the lines of the Harding Nursery-Tenders. Or how about the Harding Dorcas Group? The Harding Deaconesses rolls off the tongue, don't you think? But even that nickname would be a topic of debate.
And if we're going to be the Preachers, we have to go all out when it comes to our athletic activities so that people don't get the wrong idea about what we're representing. After all, we're the Preachers and not the Pastors or Reverends. Here are some ideas.
1. Instead of tailgating before games, we have potlucks. And on the game day, God said, "Let there be casseroles." Instead of the typical tailgating foods of burgers and hot dogs, we'll be having casseroles, banana pudding, cornbread, ham and beans. After the potluck, all those present will be required to put the tables and folding chairs back in the fellowship building closet.
2. No more pep band. We can't mislead people into thinking there is music involved with our Harding Preachers. Actually, I take that back. We can have a pep band as long as it's a cappella. Nothing screams college football more than vocal percussion. Instrumental music is, however, permitted outside of the stadium.
3. No more Gatorade baths. We don't sprinkle here. Winning coaches will be fully submersed with a white handkerchief over their noses. Graduate assistants will not be able to take part in these activities, as they have not yet passed the age of accountability.
4. Homecoming will no longer be known as such. It will now be referred to as the Gospel Meeting. An alternate name would be The Lectureship. Oh, or it could be called VBS since lots of prospective students will be around. And instead of a musical, we could put on skits with students clad in less-than-authentic Biblical garb.
5. New uniforms. The football team will no longer be able to wear helmets because the covering of the head is not permissible. The same goes for the baseball team. Women have the option of wearing hats, but they are required to wear skirts.
I think that gives us a good starting point. So go support your Harding Preachers, and be sure to pick up a program on your way in. Greeters will be handing those out, and ushers will assist you if you have trouble finding a seat. And be sure to stick around afterward for finger foods in the fellowship building.
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